Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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