I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think your dad took our porno
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize