its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
