she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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