Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
