Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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