I just threw up on my dentist
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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