I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
