So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she smelled like a LAN party
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
