No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
