i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
