she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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