Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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