Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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