my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She even gives head with a lisp.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
