My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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