We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
