But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
