Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
