So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
