apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
