he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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