I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
