At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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