I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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