1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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