College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
