I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
