We're facebook friends in real life
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
