Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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