What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
