Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
