I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
