i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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