so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
