She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
