before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
