i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
