my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
