I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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