Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
