is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
