You smell like a Billy Joel song
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Randomize
