i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
