with your own penis?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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