Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I deserve this hangover.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
