you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Randomize
