yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
