And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
