Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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