Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
