There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize