Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
