I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
