last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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