She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
