I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
